Raising Malawi

I realized I was in the wrong business sometime around 11 p.m. Wednesday, after burlesque performer Dita von Teese, who was one of the guests at the charity dinner I attended, bid about $400,000 for four Madonna concert tickets, business class plane tickets to the concert and a chance to take an aerobics dance class with the pop star.

The event was a fundraising dinner and concert hosted by Madonna to raise money for Malawi's orphans and for UNICEF. Those who keep track of celebrity familial issues may recall that Madonna is raising a litle boy from Malawi, who she originally intended to adopt until it turned out the boy's father had a problem with that. Anyway, Madonna has focused her considerable star wattage on raising awareness for the poverty-stricken nation and getting help for the many orphans.

The event was on the lawn of the United Nations under a tent that had been erected for the occasion. I arrived after cocktails had ended because I was being the dutiful little worker bee and also had to take a moment to put on heels and lipstick. My tardiness meant that I had to proceed directly to dinner - the bar was closed! - and did not have the opportunity to properly peruse the crowd for celebrities.

I had a splendid time sitting with the folks from Saks Fifth Avenue as well as the shoe god Christian Louboutin. During the auction, which was co-hosted by Chris Rock, the lights were turned up and I was able to get a better look at the crowd.

Several tables away I spied Tom Cruise, who was bidding on a sports package that involved playing soccer with David Beckham. He lost out to someone on the far side of the room who ponyed up $300,00 and change. Good Lord.

Salma Hayek was in the room. She gave birth about five minutes ago and already looks fab-u-lous. The baby's daddy is Francois-Henri Pinault, the chairman of PPR, which is the parent company of Gucci. Madonna's daughter Lourdes egged her mother on to bid on a package that included hanging out with Zac Efron from "High School Musical," but it slipped through her grasp.

All of this glamour was underwritten by Gucci, which has opened a big store in Trump Tower. Which reminds me to mention that The Donald was there with The Wife and The Daughter. He bid on a fancy wine package, which, if I recall correctly, he got for the bargain price of about $200,000. Really, I've got to invent something ... or spend a lot more time playing the lottery.

Although I had the company credit card in my evening bag, I thought better of bidding on the deluxe trip to the Maldives. I don't recall how much that went for. By then, it was all Monopoly money to me. By the time I rolled out the door, Rihanna was on stage admonishing folks to "shut up and drive."